Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A terrible day

Yesterday, I had a very bad day. I think it's partly due to sleep deprivation. I teach at 9:30 and I'm taking two evening courses. I try to sleep four hours at night and four hours during the day. Please, oh please, don't tell me to go to bed early. I simply cannot. I was born a night owl and sleeping pills don't work either. Anyway, it might be due to sleep deprivation (I sleep eight hours but apparently dividing my sleep isn't a sustainable solution to my problem) that my tolerance to people decreased but yesterday was a masquerade of people with huge egos, insecurities, obnoxious people, awkward silences, warnings, tears, fake smiles, empty conversations, boredom, anger, anxiety, and frustration. It seemed to me that many people were not sincere and had wicked minds. Yesterday, all I saw was people who were blissed in their ignorance, people who tried to cover their insecurities by aggression, people who were fake from head to toe, people who were too afraid to take something seriously, people who were broken, people who were settling for something, people who were too busy to enjoy life, people who were so lonely that they held on to their own voices, people who found solace in their own silence,and people who tried way too hard and thus were not taken seriously by others. There was a moment that all this unhappiness rushed into my body and I thought 'I have to get out of here' 'I have to get out of here'. 'Their unhappiness is hurting me'. I wanted to run away. It didn't matter where. I just wanted to get out of there. I'm afraid people's unhappiness and discontent are contagious and for a couple of minutes I lost all my filters. Coming in waves their pain haunted me. I couldn't breathe. I was very shaken by the experience but I guess I managed to keep my composure, at least to some extent. Well, at least I didn't run away screaming in the middle of the class ^_^. I finally came home around 10:00 pm exhausted. And I checked my email as I usually do. In my mailbox there was an email from one of my students. His email began like this
Hi Mrs B

I hope you are in a good condition.
I started laughing out loud. I cannot tell you how cleansing that moment, that laugh was. It reminded me how much I like my students and how much I enjoy teaching. I wanted to respond to this email like this. Hi Anurag (not the real name of the student). Well, actually I'm not in good condition. I feel used, broken, and exhausted. But thanks for asking, you put a smile on my face. Ah, my students are adorable. After laughing for a while like a crazy person, I remembered all the nice things happened that day. For example, one of professors had invited me to dinner with a couple of other graduate students. A dear friend of mine had sent me presents from Japan and they arrived yesterday (a lovely traditional Japanese pen case, a delicious strawberry flavored--my favorite--snack, Gaufres, and a folder with cool Anime characters on it). She graduated so she is not here anymore but it sure felt great to be remembered. Then I had shared my Gaufres with another friend. Even though it took only a minute it was nice to have someone to share. That felt great too. I had friends who asked me if I was alright. Even though I didn't tell them how I was feeling it felt nice to know that people cared about me. Another friend of mine, the only one I told how I was feeling, had come outside with me in the cold because I needed some fresh air and she had listened to me. Anyway, it was just a bad day and one laugh one email can really change a lot. Then I talked to my husband and in the end, I went to bed with a smile on my face thinking 'I think everything is gonna be alright.'

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